Monday, October 27, 2008

Snap, Crackle, Blog

Use it or lose it.

Blog every day for 20 minutes no matter what you blog about and you're technically fit. Finger fit. Tirade fit. Non sequitur fit. Yammer fit.

What am I talking about? The ability to express yourself. The means by which to hone thy skills of yakkity yakk!

Don't blog and you turn into a heaping mound of blubber. But listen can't just blog for 20 minutes a day. You have to make blogging part of a BALANCED DIET. It's like the box're gonna get a pow pow powerful good good feeling if you combine your Cheerios with other stuff. Don't just eat them out of the box! What are you, an infant? You afraid you're going to choke?

Just do it. Commit.

Sure, I'm talking to myself here. But you'd only know that if you bother to check. And I'm talking to you too. Not just about blogging but about making blogging part of your balanced diet.

The diet has to include other stuff.

The list of other stuff that makes you a well rounded citizen of the web:

1. You have to read. I don't care what else you decide to do you had better read. Don't give me that sob story you're just about to give me. Pick up a BOOK and read. Not articles on line. (Sure, read those too but I'm talking about paper here.) Read a book. You can't work your brain if you don't read a book. You know what? Maybe I'm a snob but I don't care WHAT you think about A Clockwork Orange if you haven't read the book. What is the origin of the inspiration? Do you think Kubrik pulled the movie out of his hole? He read the book. It struck him in the cortex and he saw god. God told him how to tell the story another way. (Sure I'm making that up but so what? That's just how I describe a process. Call it what you will.)

2. You have to research. That's why the web is belong to us. The porn is for them. The research should be for YOU. Does this make any sense? Is it too non-sequitur for you? Try and follow along. Pretend you're reading Ulysses. Or listening to Kate Bush sing The Sensual World. Don't know what I'm talking about? Then here's the perfect opportunity for you to find out. You can look it up. But that's just Googling. What I mean by research is ... GO LEARN. OMG it's at your fingertips. Literally. It's like your biggest wish has come true and you act as though you're sitting 'neath the Sword. You've got this gift you mustn't squander.

3. Put your pride aside and consume all programming on digital cable even if it's only 2 minutes of every show. (Satellite for those of you who are within eyeshot of the CN Tower. Ooooooh I've now given away my geographical location. Oh no!)

Okay enough with the telling you what to do besides blogging. But I will reiterate that your blog will be horribly boring if you don't do things like DOING THINGS SO THAT YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO BLOG ABOUT. Otherwise you're just writing in your diary and don't do that.

Start thinking about blogging like this. Go back in time and find a long copy ad and replace whatever the hell product you see with words like web and click and tech and blog and user and surf. Just like this:

You're the master of the liveliest and most luxurious technology ever offered at a low price when you sit at your desk and surf the web.

You can step ahead of all other low-priced forms of infotainment, for you have at your command the fastest accelerating medium in the field.

You can zoom over the crest of a steep hill in high with greater power and ease than can the suser of any other low-priced technology.

You can click more swiftly and effortlessly- blog over smooth or rough roads with a greater degree of analytics luxury - thanks to the web's exclusive CLICK here technology. Blog royal.

Something's telling you, "better eye it, try it, buy it" and enjoy the thrill of using a medium that out-values and out-performs all others - a blog!

(The copy is re purposed courtesy of this ad right here)

And then read it and believe it! Trust it is the truth. Count backwards from 10 until you make it true. You have to believe in the power of greyskull. If you believe that it makes a difference then it does. You may reach someone.

The problem is no one has ever said that blogging is something special. We like to distract ourselves with shiny objects and this is something we've defined MISTAKENLY as a shiny object and we need to start accepting that blogging is crucial and exceptional and powerful. We need to stop taking it for granted. Okay so start thinking about it like it's a product you can't live without. Or a product that will improve your life. Or get you laid. Or get you a job. Or get you that raise. Or whatever....just start thinking about it like it's the best new THING like all the other new THINGS that have come before it but have stuck around and become a part of our every day lives. Just do it. Pretend it's a clothes washer:

New Blogging Freeware saves as well as while you surf....sleep....or just play!
Here's the only app unite ever developed to save as well as spellcheck your one continuous operation. A single setting of the Blog prefs and your ideas are thoroughly published, then completely ignored....while you're waiting....while you're working.....while you sleep. No wondering, no worrying. You're feed burner will tell you who and who is buying your thinking in seconds.

The Blog works in warm or hot weather...indents paragraphs, creates numbered lists, bullets safely....and allows for BOLD and ITALIC accents - all automatically. In addition, you have an automatic spell check that takes only a few seconds to tell you you forgot everything you ever learned in elementary school english class.

Before you even consider twitter or facebook, you owe it to yourself to try Blogging. See a free demonstration right here.

Hey by the look on your grill I can see that you think that last one was repetitive but all I did was modify some long copy from an old ad so don't shoot the messenger.

Look how easy it is to apply blog as a verb, adjective, ingredient, toenail, death of a disco blog blog blog anything and everything is blog:

Do you believe in blog?
In the name of blog what are you talking about?
Tubbs and Crockett on Miami Blog
Blogdogs and hamburgers
Blog blog blog the man down

Nike: Just Blog It
Apple: Blog Different
Amex: Don't Blog Home Without It
Burger King: Blog It Your Way
GE: We Blog Good Things To Life
Fisher-Price: Play. Laugh. Grow. Blog.
Milk: It Blogs A Body Good
Macdonalds: We Love To See You Blog
Rice Crispies: Snap, Crackle, Blog

And on the 7th day blog rested.