Friday, September 12, 2008

the good, the bad and the oh no you didn't

***Warning. You might find sarcasm on this page.****

What is up with this?

Is it phenomenal because they've broken the laws of physics with that type size? Is it phenomenal because they had enough insight to code it in 1992 and beam it into the future? Like, is this the first cryogenic site? Has it been dormant for 15 years and now it's come to life because the Internet is "hot"? Is it like a colony of termites that has been resurrected? Is there wood to ground contact? Or is it phenomenal because the projections on the number of people attending versus the pittance they've spent on the site will put the ROI through the roof? In that sense, it may very well be phenomenal.

But that's not what they mean by phenomenal. I have seen these two speak and they're smart and successful. Fine. But if they're offering up phenomenal in my life, your life, people's lives, why does their site look like it was designed in very dim light by a student who is taking maths (plural intentional), who just got dumped by his girlfriend, and has a huge paper cut and who's in the hold of a tall ship in the middle of a hurricane and is being gnawed at by plague-ridden rats that look like Liza Minelli?

One word to consider before you hit the PUBLISH button on your site is brand promise.

What is so phenomenal about using the EXTRUDE filter in Photoshop to make the price seem PHENOMENAL? Does that extrude filter make you feel you can trust these people? Who wrote the badge on the left that says you can get "Two inspirational speakers for the price of one!" Does that inspire you? Did they trawl the dregs of infomercial writers to find the only one left wearing a button down sweater and a fedora? The one whose pants ride up to the top of his rib cage? The one smoking that stank-pipe who calls the woman in his life (read, receptionist) "little girl" as he stares at her "bosom"? Did they find that one writer? Is he cryogenic too? Is he a George Romero corpse? Because nobody writes that stuff unless they're looking to sell unwanted hair removal systems or knives that cut ripe tomatoes or things that make the beef jerky. Does this type size make what I'm saying more phenomenal? What if I add !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and ?!?!?!?!?!?!? and some NEW NEW NEW NEW. What if I show ACORNS? That's a good metaphor for...for growing and...saving up....and falling far not from the tree and gum - together at last!

"Have you seen the burgeonverger!?!?!?!?!?!? It's phenomenal."

One word to consider before you hit the PUBLISH button on your site is credibility.

So this blog is rather a stream of consciousness and it's sometimes hard to get through as a result. I know. I know. But it's supposed to be. And I'm not selling anything other than thinking and ranting and violins. (See previous posts.) The grammar on that site is absolutely hideous. Just read the first paragraph. It's not good. It doesn't really make sense. Not really. It's a self-improvement site! How am I supposed to believe I'll self-improve when what I'm reading is so badly written? The conference is a few hundred bucks and the folks running it will be selling those who've paid their few hundred bucks another few hundred bucks worth of material they can't live without! Confused? Don't be. If you go they'll try and sell you a bunch of stuff they've written. More of what you already heard and paid for - but chocked full of daily exercises so you can put your learning into practice ... and blank paper so you can take notes in the blank paper book you just paid $30 for. Some of their products will be priced in the HUNDREDS.

But if that's the kind of writing I'm seeing on the site, why would I pay for more? No one has taken the time to edit it. I wouldn't even buy a thong that isn't stamped INSPECTOR 35 and that only costs a coupl'a bucks.

One word to consider before you hit the PUBLISH button on your site is integrity of your product.

I have no problem with this "self-improvement makes good business for the common man" business that's surfaced due to the consciousness raising of Umrricah and all that. Fine. But the least you can do is have someone edit your sh!t so I don't feel like I have to turn my head and cough when I sign up. Leave me some semblance of dignity when I write you the cheque.

See you at the conference! Be there or be an acorn!

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