Wednesday, September 10, 2008

LHC ate my homework

I will officially be using LHC as my excuse for anything that can go right or wrong in the next 10 years. This is an amazing opportunity because just about anything can happen as a result of that beam of proton smashing zingdiddlything they fired 'round the planet.

Sample excuses:
  1. "I was on my way to work when LHC activated my dyscalcula and I lost my sense of direction so I'm going to be a bit late. Where am I NOW? Vegas, yeah. I got turned around on the 401."
  2. "I know I told you the house was termite free but the colony has jumped from one part of the string to another and in a parallel universe, they're eating your home. LHC treatment is $15000."
  3. "Yes we agreed the deadline for layouts was this week but what you need to understand is the space time continuum has been warped by LHC so the workback sched is now a workforward sched. I'll need you to sign off on that, by the way."
  4. "Are you there LHC, it's me, Margaret."

Et cetera.

For those of you who aren't interested in LHC and what's been happening take a look at any news feed on Earth and ask yourself "Why?" This is important stuff, people.

Samples of who it might be important to:

  1. If you're a creationist, it's important because you can argue that this whole experiment is as blasphemous as the island of Dr. Moreau. Didn't he get what he deserved that wicked, hubris sucking freak?
  2. If you're a contrarian, you argue that it's a waste of taxpayer dollars or whatever. Just fill in the blanks here.
  3. If you're a Kabbalist, you can argue that you knew this experiment would happen 4000 years ago and "So what? You want I should I lie down and die, already? I own houses in each of the 10 dimensions."
  4. If you're Morrisey from the Smiths you can say "Some Protons are bigger than others and some Protons Mothers are bigger than other Protons Mothers. Regardless, the sun shines out of their behinds."

Just form an opinion about this. If you don't know what it's about, find out. How you'll see the world around you will change. People say that and you're so used to seeing things the way you see them that you don't get what a big deal that is. It's COLOSSAL. LHC should stand for LONGTIMELOVEYOULONGTIME HOLY CRAPCOLOSSAL. I'll say it again: It will change the way we all see the world. No, really. THE WAY WE SEE THE WORLD WILL CHANGE. Did I mention you might gain a different perspective on things? Or more like, your world will change whether you like it or not. "What is she on about?" you say? Um, birth canal, anyone?

It will be like being born except you'll be aware of it this time and you'll have to deal. Your birth was a shock you repressed. YOUR BRAIN WON'T LET YOU REMEMBER CUZ IT'S TOO BIG BIG BIG. You can't hide this time, man! You're going to have to deal with the stupendous impact it will have on your life. Not because it proves or disproves the big bang. That's only one aspect of the conversation. It will change your life because it's quantum, man. It's like, acid but for realz. It's about parallel dimensions, man. Like, Jumper and Memento and stuff.

From WIKI:

The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is the world's largest and highest-energy particle accelerator complex, intended to collide opposing beams of protons with very high kinetic energy. Its main purpose is to explore the validity and limitations of the Standard Model, the current theoretical picture for particle physics. It is theorized that the collider will confirm the existence of the Higgs boson, the observation of which could confirm the predictions and missing links in the Standard Model, and could explain how other elementary particles acquire properties such as mass.

The LHC was built by the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN), and lies underneath the Franco-Swiss border near Geneva, Switzerland. It is funded by and built in collaboration with over eight thousand physicists from over eighty-five countries as well as hundreds of universities and laboratories. The LHC is already operational and is presently in the process of being prepared for collisions. The first beams were circulated through the collider on 10 September 2008, and the first high-energy collisions are planned to take place after the LHC is officially unveiled on 21 October.

Although a few individuals questioned the safety of the Large Hadron Collider in the media and through the courts, the consensus in the scientific community is that there is no conceivable threat from the LHC particle collisions.

Okay so what has LHC done for me lately? What do I care from collisions?

Scientists figure that if micro-black holes, which are smaller than the nucleus of an atom, exist, they can be used to determine the number of extra dimensions in our world. If scientists smash two high energy protons together they could theoretically make a micro-black hole. They can try that with the LHC. Once created, the micro-black hole decays quickly and emits over a dozen different kinds of particles such as electrons, neutrinos and photons, which are easy to detect. Using the predicted decay properties of the black hole into neutrinos, scientists then do complex equations and determine if our universe has 10, 11, or more dimensions, which is even too many dimensions for conventional (irony here) string theory. People, this is a big deal.

All that being said some major science dude that's kind of in charge says that even if there's a black hole created it will be, like, mosquitoes colliding. I don't buy that. And who on Earth put that guy in charge? WTF with the mosquitoes colliding thing? Bad example, Scientist Sir. Everyone knows how annoying one mosquito can be, let alone two so you might want to pick another creature for your metaphor. Make it like two bunnies colliding. We love bunnies. Who doesn't love a bunny? Where was I?

So science dude is trying to allay our fears telling mosquito metaphors because people are screaming "Don't go into the woods!" at the screen right now. Science gets a bum rap if it gets a rap at all and here is the first time science ain't got a bum rap and you just can't ignore this can you? And speaking of bum raps...holy mother of all that is good and pure what the eff is this all about:

LCH Rap Video by some white girl science student...oh no you didn't...

Did that freak you out? It was meant to put your mind at ease. You want to talk Armageddon? That video has a squillion hits on yoube. That is something to be a'skeert of.

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