Here's a short post cuz it's a holiday for me. And look...I've had time to READ.
If you haven't read it you simply must investigate a spectacular piece of literature called World War Z. No matter what your opinion of zombies or Armageddon or post-apocalyptic nightmares may be this book is most definitely worth your time. It's a 12 hour read, if you're hungry and how many episodes of fill in the blank can you watch in that amount of time, anyway?
Don't like to read? Read this.
Hate zombies cuz they're stupid? It's not about "zombies" .... it's an extended metaphor.
Don't like gore? This is more political than gory.
Can't afford it? Ask around and borrow it.
Think it's for geeks? Only geeks who like to study the human psyche and spirit.
Figure it's another bit of pulp some Hollywood dork will just turn into the next blockbuster starring some old fart like Bruce Willis? Not a chance. Well, not the first part. This is not pulp, despite the recent resurgence of zombie pulp covering the bookshelves. And here's hoping to the supreme light that Hollywood just leaves this one alone! (As if.)
Now, if the Brits got their hands on it and turned it into a mini-series, we could talk. They did such a stellar job with (WARNING GORY IMAGERY) Dead Set.
This book is a collection of interviews from around the globe after a 10 year pandemic destroys most of our planet. Billions of people dead. Some undead, some killed by their own governments, some killed in combat, some suicides. Grim stuff but brilliant stuff, nonetheless.
Max Brooks where have you been hiding? WTF that this is your first "novel"? WTF? That I should be so talented to come up with this! And, damn, it's smart. SMART. Thank the supreme blast of energy that you're at least 36 years of age because if you were any younger I'd lose my poo. That means I'm not too far off from accomplishing something significant like this book.
(I'm supposed to write a book, see? And I keep hearing that you have to write from your expereince. CLEARLY THAT IS A LOAD OF DUMP! It's not like this Max Brooks guy can have possibly lived any of THIS? Come on. So now I know I can write a book and it can be about anything. I wish I wrote this book. I do, I do!)
Er...yeah, the book.... eerily prophetic. And retrospective at the same time (I think those things go hand in had anyways). And proof that when it comes, whatever it is, whenever it is, we will not be prepared. We're too cocky to be prepared. We're kind of too sure we'd be prepared to be prepared. We're too busy navel gazing and spitting over the fence of our neighbours and shooting snuff films and buying stuff we don't need and watching Survivor and stuff....
This book scared the poo out of me. Not because there were zombies eating folk - whatever. Seen it a thousand times in a thousand movies and graphic novels and whatever. It was scary because every reaction, every proposed solution, every possible retaliation or evasion or ANYTHING we could come up with was mostly USELESS.
I'm so rambling in this post but who cares? You could be reading the book instead of reading this post, you know?
Max Brooks thought of everything! You don't think so? I dare you to read it and come up with a solution to the zombie problem that wasn't already covered. I don't care who you are or where you come from...Brooks has got you covered. It's like this guy went into a trance and transported himself to different places on Earth and envisioned a swarm of zombies coming at him. He transmogrified into a citizen of every country he could think of. Every region on our planet. The most remote locations. He's a soldier. He's a soccer mom. He's a sensei. He's a minister. He's in Chile. In Japan. In Slovakia. In Antarctica. In Canada. In North Korea. In France. He planned. He stragegy-ized. He armed. Every piece of technology he could think of. Small armies. Large armies. Traps. Dogs. Water. Trenches. Battle axes. Heavy metal.
Anything you can think of he covered.
And it's all for naught. The zombies just keep coming. Under water. Outer space. Under ground. Over hill and dale. In a Chippendales! (Okay not in a Chippendales.)
And let me tell you something else before you say "OUTER SPACE?! COME ON NOW YOU'RE TALKING PULP FICTION FOR SHIZZLE!...Before you say that, think about it...some government somewhere would eventually put a team out there so HUSH. The book is INSANELY realistic. So real it will scare the poo out of you too, Shmoo. The creepiest part about it is that it could happen. Oh, maybe not the walking dead but....it could happen. No matter what the military system, political system, cultural system....ANY SYSTEM any where on the planet....NO SYSTEMS....there's some poor schmuk telling his/her tale from that particular perspective. And it's terrifying.
But surely a country as populated as China can take on a mass of zombies? No.
But surely the Arctic is a safe haven? Nope.
But surely a country with nulcear weapons? LOL.
But surely people pulled together and strategy-ized and .... and.... not so much.
This is one of the most gripping, couldn't put it down, eerie, creepy books I have......Yeah yeah, you've heard this all before just read it already.
It's TONS OF FUN!
Friday, December 26, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
OH! Canada
Previously, I wrote about our Canadian culture breeding boring TV and now I'm revisiting that. I feel like I want to stream about that.
And, oh...yeahhhhh....I'm not calling it blogging because I don't really edit much and I don't necessarily read this with a critical eye when I'm done. So I'm calling it streaming instead of blogging because it's so stream of consciousness-y and all.
Deal.
Anyway...what was I streaming? Oh yeah, that Canadian collective unconscious called NICE, is all well and good but it has direct repercussions on things like our television and our government and our syrup. That begs the question "What happens when we stop being NICE?"
Who's just nice anyway? There has to be more to it that just NICE. That's too vague. And the just nice guy never gets laid. And if he does guess what the review is - "It was nice." Great. Sounds like the perfect reason to waste some KY.
And since there's begging involved let's ask again - What if we stop being NICE? Do we get good TV? Yes.
What's good TV for NICE people who stop being nice???? PARLIAMENT TV! That's what. Good TV in Canada means Question Period - Prime Time. It's like COPS but without any running. It's a bunch of politicians saying "FREEZE or I'll vote your head off!"
You just know a bunch of these guys were sitting around at the cottage with a beer thinking "Hey....what's with that American election being so INTERESTING? An election can be interesting? People can get emotional and....and....CARE? How do we get Canadians to care? We could try a cous. I guess. Ok. Sure let's call the opposition and make sure we don't wear the same thing and then form a coup."
Yeah that's right I'm streaming about all those guys on the hill. You know we should call this drama THE PARLIAMENT HILLS. Cuz there's back talk and rumors and lying and he said and she said and no cool music but still....it's like Spencer and Heidi all of a sudden.
Except there is no all of a sudden. You don't just wake up one day and there's a tree on your front lawn ALL OF A SUDDEN. Somewhere, some time, someone had to plant a seed and day by day that tree has been a-growing so there's no all of a sudden.
Why should Americans have all the fun elections? Why do we get our measly in-and-out-like-the-wind October 14th? And they get THE MOST SIGNIFICANT ELECTION ever? We want our MTV too! THE PARLIAMENT HILLS coalition deal was inevitable. So quit your "WTF happened?" attitude, Prime Minister Harper. You knew they were going to elope. You knew that relationship might blossom and they'd come and to usurp the throne. It was inevitable.
All that being blogged...In good old fashioned Canadian tradition we canceled the entertaining TV before it even began and now parliament is suspended until we get distracted by something else. Thanks guv'ner. Now what are we going to watch? Well there's always the NEW Anne of Green Gables. Starring that great Canadian actress Shirley Maclaine. Oh wait she's not Canadian. Maybe she's part of that alliance that's trying to take down our country and burn our flag! She doesn't even look Canadian. I don't trust her. Vote her out!
Nah. Keep her in. Maybe she'll have an out of body experience on the show and something good will happen on that show. On the plains. In olden times. In the school house. Or on the path. Or in the barn. Or in town or something.
Maybe it will be like Skins.
Yeah.
And, oh...yeahhhhh....I'm not calling it blogging because I don't really edit much and I don't necessarily read this with a critical eye when I'm done. So I'm calling it streaming instead of blogging because it's so stream of consciousness-y and all.
Deal.
Anyway...what was I streaming? Oh yeah, that Canadian collective unconscious called NICE, is all well and good but it has direct repercussions on things like our television and our government and our syrup. That begs the question "What happens when we stop being NICE?"
Who's just nice anyway? There has to be more to it that just NICE. That's too vague. And the just nice guy never gets laid. And if he does guess what the review is - "It was nice." Great. Sounds like the perfect reason to waste some KY.
And since there's begging involved let's ask again - What if we stop being NICE? Do we get good TV? Yes.
What's good TV for NICE people who stop being nice???? PARLIAMENT TV! That's what. Good TV in Canada means Question Period - Prime Time. It's like COPS but without any running. It's a bunch of politicians saying "FREEZE or I'll vote your head off!"
You just know a bunch of these guys were sitting around at the cottage with a beer thinking "Hey....what's with that American election being so INTERESTING? An election can be interesting? People can get emotional and....and....CARE? How do we get Canadians to care? We could try a cous. I guess. Ok. Sure let's call the opposition and make sure we don't wear the same thing and then form a coup."
Yeah that's right I'm streaming about all those guys on the hill. You know we should call this drama THE PARLIAMENT HILLS. Cuz there's back talk and rumors and lying and he said and she said and no cool music but still....it's like Spencer and Heidi all of a sudden.
Except there is no all of a sudden. You don't just wake up one day and there's a tree on your front lawn ALL OF A SUDDEN. Somewhere, some time, someone had to plant a seed and day by day that tree has been a-growing so there's no all of a sudden.
Why should Americans have all the fun elections? Why do we get our measly in-and-out-like-the-wind October 14th? And they get THE MOST SIGNIFICANT ELECTION ever? We want our MTV too! THE PARLIAMENT HILLS coalition deal was inevitable. So quit your "WTF happened?" attitude, Prime Minister Harper. You knew they were going to elope. You knew that relationship might blossom and they'd come and to usurp the throne. It was inevitable.
All that being blogged...In good old fashioned Canadian tradition we canceled the entertaining TV before it even began and now parliament is suspended until we get distracted by something else. Thanks guv'ner. Now what are we going to watch? Well there's always the NEW Anne of Green Gables. Starring that great Canadian actress Shirley Maclaine. Oh wait she's not Canadian. Maybe she's part of that alliance that's trying to take down our country and burn our flag! She doesn't even look Canadian. I don't trust her. Vote her out!
Nah. Keep her in. Maybe she'll have an out of body experience on the show and something good will happen on that show. On the plains. In olden times. In the school house. Or on the path. Or in the barn. Or in town or something.
Maybe it will be like Skins.
Yeah.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Non, Je Regrette Rien!
Yeah so yesterday I watched La Mome okay and WTF that has to be the most saddest life story I've ever heard! For real that is like the REAL version of Eddie Murphy's aunt Bunny falling down the stairs - but not funny. Edith Piaf lived one bad thing after another after another after another. It was like torture watching this movie. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret watching it, it was just harder to watch than I expected. It's like that cloud level in the Simpsons latest video game for DS. Or the first time you try the caves level in Little Big Planet.
Spoiler spoiler:
So little Edith....
Abandoned by her mother who left her with her mother
Abandoned by her grandmother and then rescued by her father
Abandoned by her father who left her to live with his mother in a whorehouse
Was finally taken to breast by a whore
She went blind
She went unblind
Was then torn from that relationship by her father who forced her to work in the circus (no, really)
Abandoned by her father again
Lived on the streets and sang for food
Became an alcoholic
Got discovered by a gay guy who put her on stage and became her surrogate father (WTF Gerard Depardieu of all people. Can anyone say whatever happened to???)
She gained some fame
He got murdered by the mob (???)
SHE WAS ACCUSED OF PARTICIPATING (???)
She got taken in by another “agent” who treated her like garbage but taught her to use her arms (and somehow that was crucial)
Somewhere in there she met a man, got pregnant, abandoned her own daughter who then died of menengitis
At some point Piaf became a super star singer and met Marlena Deitrich who named her the soul of Paris (probably not true....and LOL of all things NOT true in this film I bet this is the only one)
Meet a boxer and fell madly in love but he was married so when he won the championship of the world he abandoned her and went back to his family
.... but was so in love with her he decided to go back to her.....and died in a plane crash on the way
She was struck with horrible rheumatism that warped her spine
She became addicted to heroin to deal with the pain
She began to collapse on stage on a regular basis but
Her fans were so enamoured with her they just didn't accept that she couldn't perform
She got liver disease and
....as she was convinced she was nothing without her voice, she sang herself to death.
that's all based on fact. that's her story.
Marion Cotillard won the oscar for this role...like she had to try. (Meryl Streep couldn't have done a better job if she killed one of her own for x's sake! Honestly Cotillard's was one of the best frikkin' performances I've ever seen so if you can handle how tragic the thing is then go for it.)
So does that mean when XXXXX XXXXX plays me in my life story she'll win the oscar?
Exterior Scene: The playground at Venerable John Merlini Catholic School....1982...a 12 year old is contracted to do her first illustration job - a portrait of Judas Priest. She charges a mere $20 to her friend's big brother - a high school student. On the day she delivers the product....nay THE ARTISTIC MASTERPIECE THAT SHE POURED HER HEART AND VERY SOUL INTO!...he give's her two bucks, grabs the bristol board and drives away in his Camaro, never to be seen again!!!!!!!!!!
Eat your heart out Edith Piaf! That's drama! And the oscar goes to......XXXXXXX XXXXXX.
(I haven't decided who will play me yet. Suggestions are welcome.)
And she has to be hot.
Spoiler spoiler:
So little Edith....
Abandoned by her mother who left her with her mother
Abandoned by her grandmother and then rescued by her father
Abandoned by her father who left her to live with his mother in a whorehouse
Was finally taken to breast by a whore
She went blind
She went unblind
Was then torn from that relationship by her father who forced her to work in the circus (no, really)
Abandoned by her father again
Lived on the streets and sang for food
Became an alcoholic
Got discovered by a gay guy who put her on stage and became her surrogate father (WTF Gerard Depardieu of all people. Can anyone say whatever happened to???)
She gained some fame
He got murdered by the mob (???)
SHE WAS ACCUSED OF PARTICIPATING (???)
She got taken in by another “agent” who treated her like garbage but taught her to use her arms (and somehow that was crucial)
Somewhere in there she met a man, got pregnant, abandoned her own daughter who then died of menengitis
At some point Piaf became a super star singer and met Marlena Deitrich who named her the soul of Paris (probably not true....and LOL of all things NOT true in this film I bet this is the only one)
Meet a boxer and fell madly in love but he was married so when he won the championship of the world he abandoned her and went back to his family
.... but was so in love with her he decided to go back to her.....and died in a plane crash on the way
She was struck with horrible rheumatism that warped her spine
She became addicted to heroin to deal with the pain
She began to collapse on stage on a regular basis but
Her fans were so enamoured with her they just didn't accept that she couldn't perform
She got liver disease and
....as she was convinced she was nothing without her voice, she sang herself to death.
that's all based on fact. that's her story.
Marion Cotillard won the oscar for this role...like she had to try. (Meryl Streep couldn't have done a better job if she killed one of her own for x's sake! Honestly Cotillard's was one of the best frikkin' performances I've ever seen so if you can handle how tragic the thing is then go for it.)
So does that mean when XXXXX XXXXX plays me in my life story she'll win the oscar?
Exterior Scene: The playground at Venerable John Merlini Catholic School....1982...a 12 year old is contracted to do her first illustration job - a portrait of Judas Priest. She charges a mere $20 to her friend's big brother - a high school student. On the day she delivers the product....nay THE ARTISTIC MASTERPIECE THAT SHE POURED HER HEART AND VERY SOUL INTO!...he give's her two bucks, grabs the bristol board and drives away in his Camaro, never to be seen again!!!!!!!!!!
Eat your heart out Edith Piaf! That's drama! And the oscar goes to......XXXXXXX XXXXXX.
(I haven't decided who will play me yet. Suggestions are welcome.)
And she has to be hot.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Skins
Here's a rant that might irk you but that's life, yeah?
TF is going on the UK that we don't got? Why is their TV so much better than ours? I'm not trying to be a hater here but, without even TRYING, I can list a number of UK productions that kick the arse of Canadian television.
Watch Skins. You'll have to download it because you'll not see it on your telly. Fat chance. Morbidly obese chance, as like. Basically, it's Degrassi meets Trainspotting meets Dangerous Liasons but wholly Bri'ish. And I flamin' love it.
Hold on just a minute before you go all "Yeah you probably watch Degrassi and 90210 redux." No. I don't. In fact, I never watched Degrassi. I never watched 90210. I never watched Dawson. No teen drama has ever caught my attention -- even when I was in my teens. Nope...no OC, no One Tree Hill. Nothing.
This one is for the books and if I didn't happen to hear about Skins from my friend Liz, who's married to a Brit and loves all things British....I NEVER WOULD HAVE KNOWN ABOUT THIS SHOW. Why not? I have a 17 year old in my life. I see her once a week! We talk pop culture non-stop. (Keeps me in touch, sure but I'm also just a pop-junkie.) And believe you me, I'm going to ask her if she's ever heard of this show.
But then I stop and think...what if she downloads it? Is it appropriate for a 17 year old? And then I realize why it will never air on the CBC -- even I am second guessing the content. And I realize that I am such a product of my flamin' culture. Canadian culture.
The ever elusive Canadian Culture. What exactly is it besides politeness and friendliness? What is it beyond Anglo vs. French behind closed doors? BECAUSE WHAT EVER IT IS IT MAKES LOUSY TV.
YEAH I SAID IT. I'M SICK AND TIRED OF CBC PROGRAMMING BEING MONOTONOUS. HOMOGENEOUS. WHATEVER. WHY IS IT THAT THE ONLY PROGRAMMING WE SEE IS ABOUT THE PLAINS.
And then you get something like Twitch City, which was decent, at least. And it gets pulled. Cancelled. Whatever.
And in the UK they have Skins.
We have Anne of Green Gables, which may as well have been produced by an organized religion like The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Not that I have a problem with the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I don't. But I don't want to watch CTS. (Okay they show re-runs of The Facts of Life so I do watch CTS. BUT I SWEAR IT'S THE ONLY TIME I DO.)
I swear.
We've got Emily of New Moon. Oh my god that could have been about werewolves eating people alive and turning the whole town into bloodthirsty werewolves one bite at a time. But no....and I quote from a website:
Based upon the trilogy by Lucy Maud Montgomery, Emily of New Moon follows the life of orphaned Emily Bryd Starr who is sent to live with her stern Aunt Elizabeth and kind Aunt Laura.
She becomes friends with Ilse Burnley, whose mother mysteriously vanished when she was a child.
Nearby lives Teddy Kent, whose mother is overbearing and to complete...
Do I even need to provide you with a link to that information? Do you need to read on? Anne of Green Gables. Emily of New Moon. The Beachcombers. Heartland.
I understand it caters to a particular audience. Ok. We have Corner Gas....
And the UK has Absolutely Fabulous.
Even when we try and go metro we get things like Train 48 and Metropia. Believe you me I gave both of those shows their shot. I give them all a shot. But if the whole set shakes when a door is slammed I get huffy. Oftentimes, Canadian production value is so POOR you can hardly expect our TV talent to stay north of the border.
We have North of 60. They have Prime Suspect.
It just plain SUCKS. (Did you get that double entendre there?) Pay attention cuz I'm going to weigh in on where the Americans fit in. JUST CUZ I FEEL LIKE TO.
All reality TV aside. All of it. It's a different category for another day.....
They got the money but they do a lot of copy cat work. Sometimes it's good (ie Three's Company). Sometimes it's bad (ie Absolutely Fabulous). Words: Paris Hilton BFF. Saved By the Bell. Beauty and the Beast.
Throwing good money after bad. Throwing good money after bad.
Their saving grace is cable. Two words. HBO and AMC. More words. Breaking Bad. Mad Men. The Sopranos. Damages. Californication.
We have Kattz and Dog.
'Nuff said.
TF is going on the UK that we don't got? Why is their TV so much better than ours? I'm not trying to be a hater here but, without even TRYING, I can list a number of UK productions that kick the arse of Canadian television.
Watch Skins. You'll have to download it because you'll not see it on your telly. Fat chance. Morbidly obese chance, as like. Basically, it's Degrassi meets Trainspotting meets Dangerous Liasons but wholly Bri'ish. And I flamin' love it.
Hold on just a minute before you go all "Yeah you probably watch Degrassi and 90210 redux." No. I don't. In fact, I never watched Degrassi. I never watched 90210. I never watched Dawson. No teen drama has ever caught my attention -- even when I was in my teens. Nope...no OC, no One Tree Hill. Nothing.
This one is for the books and if I didn't happen to hear about Skins from my friend Liz, who's married to a Brit and loves all things British....I NEVER WOULD HAVE KNOWN ABOUT THIS SHOW. Why not? I have a 17 year old in my life. I see her once a week! We talk pop culture non-stop. (Keeps me in touch, sure but I'm also just a pop-junkie.) And believe you me, I'm going to ask her if she's ever heard of this show.
But then I stop and think...what if she downloads it? Is it appropriate for a 17 year old? And then I realize why it will never air on the CBC -- even I am second guessing the content. And I realize that I am such a product of my flamin' culture. Canadian culture.
The ever elusive Canadian Culture. What exactly is it besides politeness and friendliness? What is it beyond Anglo vs. French behind closed doors? BECAUSE WHAT EVER IT IS IT MAKES LOUSY TV.
YEAH I SAID IT. I'M SICK AND TIRED OF CBC PROGRAMMING BEING MONOTONOUS. HOMOGENEOUS. WHATEVER. WHY IS IT THAT THE ONLY PROGRAMMING WE SEE IS ABOUT THE PLAINS.
And then you get something like Twitch City, which was decent, at least. And it gets pulled. Cancelled. Whatever.
And in the UK they have Skins.
We have Anne of Green Gables, which may as well have been produced by an organized religion like The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Not that I have a problem with the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I don't. But I don't want to watch CTS. (Okay they show re-runs of The Facts of Life so I do watch CTS. BUT I SWEAR IT'S THE ONLY TIME I DO.)
I swear.
We've got Emily of New Moon. Oh my god that could have been about werewolves eating people alive and turning the whole town into bloodthirsty werewolves one bite at a time. But no....and I quote from a website:
Based upon the trilogy by Lucy Maud Montgomery, Emily of New Moon follows the life of orphaned Emily Bryd Starr who is sent to live with her stern Aunt Elizabeth and kind Aunt Laura.
She becomes friends with Ilse Burnley, whose mother mysteriously vanished when she was a child.
Nearby lives Teddy Kent, whose mother is overbearing and to complete...
Do I even need to provide you with a link to that information? Do you need to read on? Anne of Green Gables. Emily of New Moon. The Beachcombers. Heartland.
I understand it caters to a particular audience. Ok. We have Corner Gas....
And the UK has Absolutely Fabulous.
Even when we try and go metro we get things like Train 48 and Metropia. Believe you me I gave both of those shows their shot. I give them all a shot. But if the whole set shakes when a door is slammed I get huffy. Oftentimes, Canadian production value is so POOR you can hardly expect our TV talent to stay north of the border.
We have North of 60. They have Prime Suspect.
It just plain SUCKS. (Did you get that double entendre there?) Pay attention cuz I'm going to weigh in on where the Americans fit in. JUST CUZ I FEEL LIKE TO.
All reality TV aside. All of it. It's a different category for another day.....
They got the money but they do a lot of copy cat work. Sometimes it's good (ie Three's Company). Sometimes it's bad (ie Absolutely Fabulous). Words: Paris Hilton BFF. Saved By the Bell. Beauty and the Beast.
Throwing good money after bad. Throwing good money after bad.
Their saving grace is cable. Two words. HBO and AMC. More words. Breaking Bad. Mad Men. The Sopranos. Damages. Californication.
We have Kattz and Dog.
'Nuff said.
Friday, November 14, 2008
the ONE says "There is no fold."
There is no fold. Forget it. You know how I know there's no fold? You can't bend the Internet. Yet.
Here goes - a blog post after a night of bad, mad, wicked, cool insomnia.
You can't bend the Internet so there is no fold. Look, line three and I'm already repeating myself. There's nothing wrong with scrolling, neither. You know how I know? There are scroll bars on the Internet and you can grab them and use them. In fact, you can click and drag them. You can click and hold on an arrow. You can move up and down to see.
So there is no fold.
Resolution is only relevant in that we need to design for the lowest HORIZONTAL common denominator. Scrolling left to right is really only allowed when we are being "artistic". We aren't usually "artistic" when we're building dotcoms or ecoms or recons. So if you're building a website for frozen yogurt with a cute little animated girl who runs from side to side and floats around and make the world lovely then sure you can scroll side to side but for now, let's assume you should avoid that. Why? Usually there's some kind of dock or some controls and stuff at the bottom of your screen and side scrolling can be irritating as a result. Usually there's enough junk at the top and bottom of your screen so you don't want to add more. Blah blah blah. But as far as a fold is concerned. I defy you to find one. I defy you to tell me the x and y coords that people are people stretching and shrinking their browsers to these days.
Oh sure there are stats. There will always be stats. There have always been stats. And stats are better than they used to be. Have you ever been part of an old-school survey? Taken the call? Filled out the papers? Kept track of your viewing habits with a pen? Yeah. Stats are better now because Google "knows". Google sees. Google measures and that is great and I love that stuff cuz it's just sick how Google has a third eye. Kind of. But until Google knows what mood I'm in when I fall out of bed and haven't slept a wink, there is no fold.
Maybe it's because I'm tired but I'm very pleased with the Matrix-spoon-fold-bend-quantum big idea here. Am I the only one that sees it? People who have been sleep deprived begin to hallucinate within the first few days. Let's look that up.....(time passes)
Research subjects who have undergone sleep deprivation experiments typically begin to hallucinate after 72–96 hours without sleep. It is thought that these hallucinations result from the malfunctioning of nerve cells within the prefrontal cortex of the brain. This area of the brain is associated with judgment, impulse, control, attention, and visual association, and is refreshed during the early stages of sleep. When a person is sleep-deprived, the nerve cells in the prefrontal cortex must work harder than usual without an opportunity to recover. The hallucinations that develop on the third day of wakefulness are thought to be hypnagogic hallucinations that occur during "microsleeps or short periods of light sleep lasting about one to ten seconds.**
Back to the present.
Gone are the days when people surfed with their browsers full screen. Gone are the days where a 14" monitor at 8x6 was our stake in the ground. There are too many computers and too many browsers and too many users to determine where the fold is any more. It's over. Let's stop talking about the fold and just agree that we'd like to have as much RELEVANT content at the top of our page as possible. That being said we should stop trying to jam in 3 levels of navigation. Stop trying to force leaderboards and bboxes and second bboxes and all that above the fold. You can't say where the fold is so let's just agree that as much content RELEVANT content that we can have within the first 750 VERTICAL pixels and keep it about 900 pixels wide and call it a day. Are those ads relevant? Yes. Then we have to accomodate for them. Is 3 levels of nav relevant? That's another post altogether.
What we need to do if we're going to push forward is just take a breath and think. If we just keep relying on what the next best resolution is, we'll keep talking about the Internet like our experience of it doesn't change with
(Scroll down.)
Th'end.
** I took that information from here.
(Now scroll sideways...kidding.)
Here goes - a blog post after a night of bad, mad, wicked, cool insomnia.
You can't bend the Internet so there is no fold. Look, line three and I'm already repeating myself. There's nothing wrong with scrolling, neither. You know how I know? There are scroll bars on the Internet and you can grab them and use them. In fact, you can click and drag them. You can click and hold on an arrow. You can move up and down to see.
So there is no fold.
Resolution is only relevant in that we need to design for the lowest HORIZONTAL common denominator. Scrolling left to right is really only allowed when we are being "artistic". We aren't usually "artistic" when we're building dotcoms or ecoms or recons. So if you're building a website for frozen yogurt with a cute little animated girl who runs from side to side and floats around and make the world lovely then sure you can scroll side to side but for now, let's assume you should avoid that. Why? Usually there's some kind of dock or some controls and stuff at the bottom of your screen and side scrolling can be irritating as a result. Usually there's enough junk at the top and bottom of your screen so you don't want to add more. Blah blah blah. But as far as a fold is concerned. I defy you to find one. I defy you to tell me the x and y coords that people are people stretching and shrinking their browsers to these days.
Oh sure there are stats. There will always be stats. There have always been stats. And stats are better than they used to be. Have you ever been part of an old-school survey? Taken the call? Filled out the papers? Kept track of your viewing habits with a pen? Yeah. Stats are better now because Google "knows". Google sees. Google measures and that is great and I love that stuff cuz it's just sick how Google has a third eye. Kind of. But until Google knows what mood I'm in when I fall out of bed and haven't slept a wink, there is no fold.
Maybe it's because I'm tired but I'm very pleased with the Matrix-spoon-fold-bend-quantum big idea here. Am I the only one that sees it? People who have been sleep deprived begin to hallucinate within the first few days. Let's look that up.....(time passes)
Research subjects who have undergone sleep deprivation experiments typically begin to hallucinate after 72–96 hours without sleep. It is thought that these hallucinations result from the malfunctioning of nerve cells within the prefrontal cortex of the brain. This area of the brain is associated with judgment, impulse, control, attention, and visual association, and is refreshed during the early stages of sleep. When a person is sleep-deprived, the nerve cells in the prefrontal cortex must work harder than usual without an opportunity to recover. The hallucinations that develop on the third day of wakefulness are thought to be hypnagogic hallucinations that occur during "microsleeps or short periods of light sleep lasting about one to ten seconds.**
Back to the present.
Gone are the days when people surfed with their browsers full screen. Gone are the days where a 14" monitor at 8x6 was our stake in the ground. There are too many computers and too many browsers and too many users to determine where the fold is any more. It's over. Let's stop talking about the fold and just agree that we'd like to have as much RELEVANT content at the top of our page as possible. That being said we should stop trying to jam in 3 levels of navigation. Stop trying to force leaderboards and bboxes and second bboxes and all that above the fold. You can't say where the fold is so let's just agree that as much content RELEVANT content that we can have within the first 750 VERTICAL pixels and keep it about 900 pixels wide and call it a day. Are those ads relevant? Yes. Then we have to accomodate for them. Is 3 levels of nav relevant? That's another post altogether.
What we need to do if we're going to push forward is just take a breath and think. If we just keep relying on what the next best resolution is, we'll keep talking about the Internet like our experience of it doesn't change with
- technology
- how many apps we have open
- what we're surfing for at that moment
- who just jumped on and off our computers
- whether the phone just rang
- whether i just got distracted by an "allow window to be opened?" prompt
- if i'm on my laptop and connected to an external monitor
- if that changes my settings
- if it's sunny and there's a glare on my screen
- what browser i'm using based on what OS i'm using
- based on what works in safari vs. explorer vs. firefox vs. the next new thing
- based on what awful site resized my browser in the first place
- how many pop up windows just took over my screen because that's not in my prefs
- or someone turned that off without telling me
- cuz my kids are using my computer
- or how i had to change my prefs for my grandfather who is half legally blind
- and he wants to play poker
- or i didn't sleep last night
(Scroll down.)
Th'end.
** I took that information from here.
(Now scroll sideways...kidding.)
Monday, October 27, 2008
Snap, Crackle, Blog
Use it or lose it.
Blog every day for 20 minutes no matter what you blog about and you're technically fit. Finger fit. Tirade fit. Non sequitur fit. Yammer fit.
What am I talking about? The ability to express yourself. The means by which to hone thy skills of yakkity yakk!
Don't blog and you turn into a heaping mound of blubber. But listen up...you can't just blog for 20 minutes a day. You have to make blogging part of a BALANCED DIET. It's like the box says...you're gonna get a pow pow powerful good good feeling if you combine your Cheerios with other stuff. Don't just eat them out of the box! What are you, an infant? You afraid you're going to choke?
Just do it. Commit.
Sure, I'm talking to myself here. But you'd only know that if you bother to check. And I'm talking to you too. Not just about blogging but about making blogging part of your balanced diet.
The diet has to include other stuff.
The list of other stuff that makes you a well rounded citizen of the web:
1. You have to read. I don't care what else you decide to do you had better read. Don't give me that sob story you're just about to give me. Pick up a BOOK and read. Not articles on line. (Sure, read those too but I'm talking about paper here.) Read a book. You can't work your brain if you don't read a book. You know what? Maybe I'm a snob but I don't care WHAT you think about A Clockwork Orange if you haven't read the book. What is the origin of the inspiration? Do you think Kubrik pulled the movie out of his hole? He read the book. It struck him in the cortex and he saw god. God told him how to tell the story another way. (Sure I'm making that up but so what? That's just how I describe a process. Call it what you will.)
2. You have to research. That's why the web is belong to us. The porn is for them. The research should be for YOU. Does this make any sense? Is it too non-sequitur for you? Try and follow along. Pretend you're reading Ulysses. Or listening to Kate Bush sing The Sensual World. Don't know what I'm talking about? Then here's the perfect opportunity for you to find out. You can look it up. But that's just Googling. What I mean by research is ... GO LEARN. OMG it's at your fingertips. Literally. It's like your biggest wish has come true and you act as though you're sitting 'neath the Sword. You've got this gift you mustn't squander.
3. Put your pride aside and consume all programming on digital cable even if it's only 2 minutes of every show. (Satellite for those of you who are within eyeshot of the CN Tower. Ooooooh I've now given away my geographical location. Oh no!)
Okay enough with the telling you what to do besides blogging. But I will reiterate that your blog will be horribly boring if you don't do things like DOING THINGS SO THAT YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO BLOG ABOUT. Otherwise you're just writing in your diary and um....yeah....no don't do that.
Start thinking about blogging like this. Go back in time and find a long copy ad and replace whatever the hell product you see with words like web and click and tech and blog and user and surf. Just like this:
You're the master of the liveliest and most luxurious technology ever offered at a low price when you sit at your desk and surf the web.
You can step ahead of all other low-priced forms of infotainment, for you have at your command the fastest accelerating medium in the field.
You can zoom over the crest of a steep hill in high with greater power and ease than can the suser of any other low-priced technology.
You can click more swiftly and effortlessly- blog over smooth or rough roads with a greater degree of analytics luxury - thanks to the web's exclusive CLICK here technology. Blog royal.
Something's telling you, "better eye it, try it, buy it" and enjoy the thrill of using a medium that out-values and out-performs all others - a blog!
(The copy is re purposed courtesy of this ad right here)
And then read it and believe it! Trust it is the truth. Count backwards from 10 until you make it true. You have to believe in the power of greyskull. If you believe that it makes a difference then it does. You may reach someone.
The problem is no one has ever said that blogging is something special. We like to distract ourselves with shiny objects and this is something we've defined MISTAKENLY as a shiny object and we need to start accepting that blogging is crucial and exceptional and powerful. We need to stop taking it for granted. Okay so start thinking about it like it's a product you can't live without. Or a product that will improve your life. Or get you laid. Or get you a job. Or get you that raise. Or whatever....just start thinking about it like it's the best new THING like all the other new THINGS that have come before it but have stuck around and become a part of our every day lives. Just do it. Pretend it's a clothes washer:
NEW BLOGGING SOFTWARE DOES EVERYTHING BUT IRON FOR YOU!
New Blogging Freeware saves as well as spellchecks....blog while you surf....sleep....or just play!
Here's the only app unite ever developed to save as well as spellcheck your stuff...AUTOMATICALLY...in one continuous operation. A single setting of the Blog prefs and your ideas are thoroughly published, then completely ignored....while you're waiting....while you're working.....while you sleep. No wondering, no worrying. You're feed burner will tell you who and who is buying your thinking in seconds.
The Blog works in warm or hot weather...indents paragraphs, creates numbered lists, bullets safely....and allows for BOLD and ITALIC accents - all automatically. In addition, you have an automatic spell check that takes only a few seconds to tell you you forgot everything you ever learned in elementary school english class.
Before you even consider twitter or facebook, you owe it to yourself to try Blogging. See a free demonstration right here.
Hey by the look on your grill I can see that you think that last one was repetitive but all I did was modify some long copy from an old ad so don't shoot the messenger.
Look how easy it is to apply blog as a verb, adjective, ingredient, toenail, death of a disco dancer.....blog blog blog blog anything and everything is blog:
Do you believe in blog?
In the name of blog what are you talking about?
Blogerati
Tubbs and Crockett on Miami Blog
Blogdogs and hamburgers
Blog blog blog the man down
Nike: Just Blog It
Apple: Blog Different
Amex: Don't Blog Home Without It
Burger King: Blog It Your Way
GE: We Blog Good Things To Life
Fisher-Price: Play. Laugh. Grow. Blog.
Milk: It Blogs A Body Good
Macdonalds: We Love To See You Blog
Rice Crispies: Snap, Crackle, Blog
And on the 7th day blog rested.
Blog every day for 20 minutes no matter what you blog about and you're technically fit. Finger fit. Tirade fit. Non sequitur fit. Yammer fit.
What am I talking about? The ability to express yourself. The means by which to hone thy skills of yakkity yakk!
Don't blog and you turn into a heaping mound of blubber. But listen up...you can't just blog for 20 minutes a day. You have to make blogging part of a BALANCED DIET. It's like the box says...you're gonna get a pow pow powerful good good feeling if you combine your Cheerios with other stuff. Don't just eat them out of the box! What are you, an infant? You afraid you're going to choke?
Just do it. Commit.
Sure, I'm talking to myself here. But you'd only know that if you bother to check. And I'm talking to you too. Not just about blogging but about making blogging part of your balanced diet.
The diet has to include other stuff.
The list of other stuff that makes you a well rounded citizen of the web:
1. You have to read. I don't care what else you decide to do you had better read. Don't give me that sob story you're just about to give me. Pick up a BOOK and read. Not articles on line. (Sure, read those too but I'm talking about paper here.) Read a book. You can't work your brain if you don't read a book. You know what? Maybe I'm a snob but I don't care WHAT you think about A Clockwork Orange if you haven't read the book. What is the origin of the inspiration? Do you think Kubrik pulled the movie out of his hole? He read the book. It struck him in the cortex and he saw god. God told him how to tell the story another way. (Sure I'm making that up but so what? That's just how I describe a process. Call it what you will.)
2. You have to research. That's why the web is belong to us. The porn is for them. The research should be for YOU. Does this make any sense? Is it too non-sequitur for you? Try and follow along. Pretend you're reading Ulysses. Or listening to Kate Bush sing The Sensual World. Don't know what I'm talking about? Then here's the perfect opportunity for you to find out. You can look it up. But that's just Googling. What I mean by research is ... GO LEARN. OMG it's at your fingertips. Literally. It's like your biggest wish has come true and you act as though you're sitting 'neath the Sword. You've got this gift you mustn't squander.
3. Put your pride aside and consume all programming on digital cable even if it's only 2 minutes of every show. (Satellite for those of you who are within eyeshot of the CN Tower. Ooooooh I've now given away my geographical location. Oh no!)
Okay enough with the telling you what to do besides blogging. But I will reiterate that your blog will be horribly boring if you don't do things like DOING THINGS SO THAT YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO BLOG ABOUT. Otherwise you're just writing in your diary and um....yeah....no don't do that.
Start thinking about blogging like this. Go back in time and find a long copy ad and replace whatever the hell product you see with words like web and click and tech and blog and user and surf. Just like this:
You're the master of the liveliest and most luxurious technology ever offered at a low price when you sit at your desk and surf the web.
You can step ahead of all other low-priced forms of infotainment, for you have at your command the fastest accelerating medium in the field.
You can zoom over the crest of a steep hill in high with greater power and ease than can the suser of any other low-priced technology.
You can click more swiftly and effortlessly- blog over smooth or rough roads with a greater degree of analytics luxury - thanks to the web's exclusive CLICK here technology. Blog royal.
Something's telling you, "better eye it, try it, buy it" and enjoy the thrill of using a medium that out-values and out-performs all others - a blog!
(The copy is re purposed courtesy of this ad right here)
And then read it and believe it! Trust it is the truth. Count backwards from 10 until you make it true. You have to believe in the power of greyskull. If you believe that it makes a difference then it does. You may reach someone.
The problem is no one has ever said that blogging is something special. We like to distract ourselves with shiny objects and this is something we've defined MISTAKENLY as a shiny object and we need to start accepting that blogging is crucial and exceptional and powerful. We need to stop taking it for granted. Okay so start thinking about it like it's a product you can't live without. Or a product that will improve your life. Or get you laid. Or get you a job. Or get you that raise. Or whatever....just start thinking about it like it's the best new THING like all the other new THINGS that have come before it but have stuck around and become a part of our every day lives. Just do it. Pretend it's a clothes washer:
NEW BLOGGING SOFTWARE DOES EVERYTHING BUT IRON FOR YOU!
New Blogging Freeware saves as well as spellchecks....blog while you surf....sleep....or just play!
Here's the only app unite ever developed to save as well as spellcheck your stuff...AUTOMATICALLY...in one continuous operation. A single setting of the Blog prefs and your ideas are thoroughly published, then completely ignored....while you're waiting....while you're working.....while you sleep. No wondering, no worrying. You're feed burner will tell you who and who is buying your thinking in seconds.
The Blog works in warm or hot weather...indents paragraphs, creates numbered lists, bullets safely....and allows for BOLD and ITALIC accents - all automatically. In addition, you have an automatic spell check that takes only a few seconds to tell you you forgot everything you ever learned in elementary school english class.
Before you even consider twitter or facebook, you owe it to yourself to try Blogging. See a free demonstration right here.
Hey by the look on your grill I can see that you think that last one was repetitive but all I did was modify some long copy from an old ad so don't shoot the messenger.
Look how easy it is to apply blog as a verb, adjective, ingredient, toenail, death of a disco dancer.....blog blog blog blog anything and everything is blog:
Do you believe in blog?
In the name of blog what are you talking about?
Blogerati
Tubbs and Crockett on Miami Blog
Blogdogs and hamburgers
Blog blog blog the man down
Nike: Just Blog It
Apple: Blog Different
Amex: Don't Blog Home Without It
Burger King: Blog It Your Way
GE: We Blog Good Things To Life
Fisher-Price: Play. Laugh. Grow. Blog.
Milk: It Blogs A Body Good
Macdonalds: We Love To See You Blog
Rice Crispies: Snap, Crackle, Blog
And on the 7th day blog rested.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
get your hands of my teats, ben and jerry!
Okay finally something INTERESTING happened in the media! Elections what elections? No no I mean INTERESTING in that it was enough to really make me wanna jump up and BLOG. Throw open my window and yell "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this any more!"
What is up with PETA? They want Ben & Jerry's to stop using cow's milk and start using human breast milk to make their ice cream? WTF? Who is running that place? Hugh Hefner? Larry Flynt? Raquel Welch? Seriously. That's just gross. The only people that should drink breast milk are babies and new age parents who want to tell all their goofy new age friends "Of course I TRIED it. There's nothing wrong with it. It's....sweet."
Barf.
With all the unethical treatment of animals all over this planet THIS is what you're brainstorming on, PETA? You can't save a bunny from being tested with a shot of hair spray to the eyes? Or a rat from having a human ear sewn to it's back? You have to focus on dairy cows who probably have nothing better to do than milked all day anyway? It's not like they're cute or anything and it's not like they don't WANT to be milked. They're gaggin' for it, as my friends on Coronation Street say.
Okay, while I agree that cow's milk is not meant for human consumption WE DRINK AND EAT IT ANYWAY. I know we don't really have the enzymes required to break down the lactose. I get it. We shouldn't smoke. We should exercise. Fine. But I don't see how I'll get healthier by eating someone stranger's breast milk. I don't know WHERE SHE'S BEEN! I don't want a stranger's breast milk in my ice cream. Not in my cheese. Not in my roux. Not in my birthday cake. Not in my STARBUCK'S frapplattamochaccinasloppa.
Never mind the health. THINK ABOUT THE MENU! Even on a really basic level you totally RUIN the Ben and Jerry's list of flavours. No matter how you look at it these basic items are never going to be the same:
So fine. The old list is RUINED. What do you do? Rename stuff? That's even worse. I DON'T WANT TO SEE THIS LIST OF FLAVOURS ANYWHERE. EVER.
I have to believe this is some kind of joke. Some kind of mistake. Some kind of sick prank that PETA is playing on the whole www. Are they suggesting we herd a bunch of mommies and feed them grass all day and wait 'til they moo for relief? Hey, let's herd them in the farthest reaches of Alaska to save time. It's pretty cold up there. That's animal friendly AND cost efficient. Supply meets demand. Frozen t(r)eats. "Is it just you or is it cold in here?" "No, it's a bit nippy."
Yarf and barf.
Go home PETA. Go home and sleep it off because you must have been wasted to come up with this idea. Too many shrooms while you dance your ritualistic purple circle of healing dance in the forest. Back to the Shire with you! Shut 'er down before it's too late. Know your limits. You're going to embarrass yourselves and puke in the cab. This is taking the milk of human kindness way too far! Don't make us bust out any more puns!
What is up with PETA? They want Ben & Jerry's to stop using cow's milk and start using human breast milk to make their ice cream? WTF? Who is running that place? Hugh Hefner? Larry Flynt? Raquel Welch? Seriously. That's just gross. The only people that should drink breast milk are babies and new age parents who want to tell all their goofy new age friends "Of course I TRIED it. There's nothing wrong with it. It's....sweet."
Barf.
With all the unethical treatment of animals all over this planet THIS is what you're brainstorming on, PETA? You can't save a bunny from being tested with a shot of hair spray to the eyes? Or a rat from having a human ear sewn to it's back? You have to focus on dairy cows who probably have nothing better to do than milked all day anyway? It's not like they're cute or anything and it's not like they don't WANT to be milked. They're gaggin' for it, as my friends on Coronation Street say.
Okay, while I agree that cow's milk is not meant for human consumption WE DRINK AND EAT IT ANYWAY. I know we don't really have the enzymes required to break down the lactose. I get it. We shouldn't smoke. We should exercise. Fine. But I don't see how I'll get healthier by eating someone stranger's breast milk. I don't know WHERE SHE'S BEEN! I don't want a stranger's breast milk in my ice cream. Not in my cheese. Not in my roux. Not in my birthday cake. Not in my STARBUCK'S frapplattamochaccinasloppa.
Never mind the health. THINK ABOUT THE MENU! Even on a really basic level you totally RUIN the Ben and Jerry's list of flavours. No matter how you look at it these basic items are never going to be the same:
- Coconut Seven Layer Bar (Now with Breast Milk!)
- Everything But The...(Now with Breast Milk!)
- Oatmeal Cookie CHUNK (Now with Breast Milk!)
- Karamel Sutra (Now with Breast Milk!)
- Berried Treasure (Now with Breast Milk!)
- Berry N'ice (Now with Breast Milk!)
- Oh My! Apple Pie! (Now with Breast Milk!)
So fine. The old list is RUINED. What do you do? Rename stuff? That's even worse. I DON'T WANT TO SEE THIS LIST OF FLAVOURS ANYWHERE. EVER.
- Boob Batter
- Triple Ariola Chunk
- Bananas on the Mum
- Chocolate Chip Boobie Dough
- Boober Pecan
- Chunkey Mummy
- Cinnamom Buns
I have to believe this is some kind of joke. Some kind of mistake. Some kind of sick prank that PETA is playing on the whole www. Are they suggesting we herd a bunch of mommies and feed them grass all day and wait 'til they moo for relief? Hey, let's herd them in the farthest reaches of Alaska to save time. It's pretty cold up there. That's animal friendly AND cost efficient. Supply meets demand. Frozen t(r)eats. "Is it just you or is it cold in here?" "No, it's a bit nippy."
Yarf and barf.
Go home PETA. Go home and sleep it off because you must have been wasted to come up with this idea. Too many shrooms while you dance your ritualistic purple circle of healing dance in the forest. Back to the Shire with you! Shut 'er down before it's too late. Know your limits. You're going to embarrass yourselves and puke in the cab. This is taking the milk of human kindness way too far! Don't make us bust out any more puns!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)